Love, Grief and a Blackbird

By Arniya Heartford

My parents were two of the most ‘in love’ people I have ever met. They worked, lived and played together. With all that time together, it may surprise you to hear that in the 36 years they were married, they didn’t fight once. In fact, neither of them understood the term “lover’s tiff” and considered it to be an oxymoron of sorts. My mother said to me one day “If you really loved someone, how could you fight with them?” She was genuinely asking. The concept of fighting with my father was completely foreign to her. They could strongly disagree and debate issues till the cows came home, but there was never any doubt that- love trumped all other emotions between them. Being raised in this way has left me with a deep sense of soul love for ….. well everyone really.

Every so often my father would get stressed in the dispensary of our chemist shop. My mother would come and put her back against his and just breathe. They would lean against each others hearts for a moment. Then just occasionally, Dad would reach around and take my Mum’s hand and they would waltz around the shop. Singing their own musical accompaniment, completely oblivious to everyone watching. They would dance and twirl around stunned customers and staff alike. Often, newer staff members would comment that it was like working in some weird Walt Disney film, or perhaps now it would be a Hallmark love story.

Some would be envious of them, most would watch on in awe. It was obvious that they were witnessing a overwhelming, unconditional expression of love. But as in every love story movie, there is a twist.

Just before Christmas 1995 my father went to the doctor with a stomach ache. They ran the usual tests and declared him healthy. A week later, he went back to the doctor. Dad going to the doctors once was strange enough, but twice was so out of character that it encouraged the doctor to do more serious tests.

I had been away at Christmas festival at the Tauhara Centre. When I returned on the 2nd of January 1996, my father had been given weeks to live. He had cancer. It was through almost all of his major organs. My whole world stopped. Everything that held my reality together changed in that moment of being told that my father, strong and dependable, honest and truly good; was going to cease to exist in the physical plane.

I was 22 years old. My dad didn’t completely understand or accept my choosing to become a healer or mystic. He was a strong Christian, and in the medical profession, it was no surprise that the gifts I was learning to control made him feel uncomfortable.
When he got sick, I had just completed my training in many disciplines of healing. -Reiki, Kofutu, C.E.M, and crystal healing, to name a few. I was ready to approach the situation with everything I had. I was going to heal the ‘beegibiz’ out of that man until he was all better! Then I had one of the hardest intuitive insights I have ever received. My Guardians gathered in close around me. Holding me steady. As gently as they could, they let me know that this was the time and the way that Dad had chosen to “go home for the holidays”. When I looked into my father’s eyes I could see he knew it was his time. All I could do was make his journey as painless as possible. As hard, and as painful, as it was for me I had to allow him his free will.

This journey was one of the hardest times of my life, but it was not without its learnings and blessings for me.
My father and I had time to heal our relationship and to grow closer. As his time grew closer, his consciousness opened up more and he gained a greater understanding of life.
On one of these days of expansion, he and I had a rare moment alone. He leant back in the chair and turned to really look at me fully. He said “I can ‘See’ you now”. It was an odd thing for him to say, but I instantly knew exactly what he meant.  He spoke to me about how he could see my abilities and what I was going to achieve with them. He told me how proud he was of me for following my life path. This is not something I would ever have heard from him in any other situation. He told me that there would be hard times, but that I was strong and I would get through them.
Those words have given me strength and hope more times than I can count.

 My father died on the 24th of January 1996 at the age of 58.

For a while, it felt like both of my parents had died. My Mum had to learn how to exist without her dance partner. Her first grandchild from my brother helped a lot, but things were just not the same. Then around September the Spring energy came and a small change started to happen. It was like Mum had found a way to connect to Dad again.

 One day, months later I notice that whenever things got tough or something big happened a blackbird that would come and sit on our hedge. Normally, it would just sit and look in the window. I noticed that each time it came, Mum would go outside.

Finally, one day I overheard her talking to the bird. When asked her about it she said, “Don’t think I’m crazy but I swear that bird comes when I am really missing your Dad. I’ve started to think of the bird as a messenger for him. So I go out and tell the bird what’s going on. It’s strange but, once I’ve done it, I feel better, so I keep doing it.”

Having worked with totem animals for a while I accepted this and started talking to the bird too. This was a little secret that my Mum and I had. Two years later my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. This was horrible, but no surprise. For years I had been hearing her pray to be allow to follow my dad and be with him again. It was only a matter of time till the universe listened.
She fought the cancer, I think mostly for my brothers and I. She had her breast removed. Then after a few years, the cancer reappeared in her back. After an operation on her back, the doctors found three tumours in her brain and there was no more treatments.  

My husband and I came back from living overseas to look after Mum and help her to live at home for as long as possible. Due to her lack of mobility, she had moved to a new house on the flat. At first, she seemed uncharacteristically anxious in the new house. When I asked her what was wrong, the sheepish look on her face was enough to tell me that it was ‘blackbird-related nerves’. I mentally called out to the blackbirds and told them where she had moved to. Soon after a blackbird visited the new house and Mum let out a sigh of relief. Muttering under her breath about ‘thank goodness he found the place’ and ‘Good grief, Neville, what took you so long’

 She and I would exchange knowing looks when a blackbird would come and sit on the fence of the new house. It was a blessing having that time with my mum. To walk the final road with someone is the hardest journey and a privilege, an honour and something I wouldn’t have given up for all the world.

September 11th 2005 my mother passed away. The morning of her cremation, My husband and I came home from the service. I was already missing her dearly.

There in the driveway of our house, were two blackbirds. One fully grown and one just out of the nest. My husband said “oh I am glad that blackbird finally got a girlfriend. I was feeling a bit sorry for him until now. I simply smiled and said hello to my parents and let my heart start to heal.

The blackbirds still come to visit. Always present at big moments and times when I miss my parents.
My family's last name is Partridge, but the partridge birds are not usually found in the North Island of New Zealand. It makes me wonder if these blackbirds are Partridges in disguise or if our family bird has shifted to become the blackbird.